A White Guy’s Mea Culpa, by Andrew Joppa

A White Guy’s Mea Culpa

by Andy Joppa


“I think a case could be made that there’s sort of a crisis of masculinity in the West. Particularly with white males.”

 Scott Thompson


Facebook has updated its hate speech algorithm, reversing years of neutrality to prioritize anti-Black comments while making anti-white male slurs the lowest priority. Facebook is now openly embracing Critical Race Theory, which rejects the principle of colorblind rule and law enforcement in favor of open discrimination …especially towards white guys. Facebook comments, “We know that hate speech targeted toward underrepresented groups can be the most harmful …that it is the most serious.”


Aside from the fact that Facebook has no idea if this is true, and that most of the bigotry in America is directed at white males, it is reprehensible that they apparently find it acceptable if some ten year old white kid is reading that he is the source of all human problems and he is little more than the devil incarnate. In fact, white males are the most maligned group in America, and everyone is allowed to insult them at will. Many white males themselves, especially on the Left, also join in the sport of attacking their brothers. Considering that there are approximately 100 million white guys in our country, to have a group of such size and significance marginalized and demeaned categorically, seems to be just a “wee-bit” inappropriate…don’t you think?


 If President Trump can’t prevail, and Georgia falls in the Senate (God forbid on both counts), the next four years, and beyond, are going to make white guys open game for bigots…figuratively or literally.  Their very ability to survive professionally or socially will be compromised.  They will have to surrender to the forces of hatred around them or their lives as contributing Americans will be erased. But let’s face it…nobody cares about white guys. You are free to hate them as much as you want.  Even if you defend them, you will be labeled a bigot, white supremacist…or worse. However, people know that most of us are not snowflakes and generally have on our “big boy” pants, so they can take out all their ugliness out on us without fear of retribution.


So…let me talk a bit about white guys.  I confess that I am a white man and have been so for my entire life. Except when I was a little baby and I was a nice shade of pink. By biology and choice, I am a man.


Many (all?) of the issues that drive the American political process cannot be discussed within any degree of honesty…or, perhaps more importantly, any intent of honesty.  For example, honestly…white men really don’t give a hoot about other white men. They don’t root against them nor for them.  Other white men never enter into any other white man’s decision-making process.  They don’t live vicariously through their success nor do they experience depression as a result of their failure.


I, as one of these white men, just don’t care about other white men. I suppose I’m just too selfish to do anything other than view my own accomplishments, or lack thereof, as the defining element of my life.  If every other white man were an idiot and I was a genius…I would still be a genius…or vice versa. 

When I hear the expression “whites feel…” or “whites think…” I am baffled.  I scan the “white” world seeking any affinity that I can obtain from our commonality as white men and find nothing that links me to them in any intellectual, philosophic, ethical, political, or economic manner. I stop and think…how are Donald Trump and Joe Biden alike?  They actually seem to be members of a different species.


I actually feel quite alone; suffering through my isolation as a group of one; a very tiny, ill-defined minority, called “me.”  If I were coerced into a moment of complete transparency, I would suggest that that is the source of any white male virtue. Since I stand alone, I rise or fall on my own efforts…I have no safety net…no one to blame…it just “me.” II I don’t get it done…it doesn’t get done.


But how I long for the ability to find my glory in my group.  How I wish I didn’t care about “me,” and I could achieve my life victory if other white men were successful. That’s all other groups seem to care about. I’ve never been able to do that except, of course, for Mickey Mantle, but that’s because I was 12 years old and a Yankee fan.


I’ve heard about white privilege and the benefits it created for my life struggle. I’ve tried to harvest those benefits that my whiteness and maleness would apparently create but…alas…wherever I went, if I failed, I failed. Many times, I wanted to scream at those evaluating me, “What’s the matter with you, can’t you see that I’m a white guy?  Why can’t you just give me a “pass” on my failure?  Don’t you know that I’m part of the brotherhood?” They all seemed quite oblivious to my racial and gender glory. Maybe I just didn’t know the secret handshake.


Still, with shame, as best I can determine from the Marxist Left, it was white guys like me who, at some time in the distant past, invented slavery.  I presume they must have met at some secret enclave, perhaps it was in Mississippi in 1437 B.C., and created a strategy that said, “Let’s capture people who aren’t like us, that is, aren’t male or white, and make them our slaves” (We had to give up on that “not male” thing because that eliminated half of our supply). Before the advent of electricity this must have been something we thought was a good idea.  Then, in some inexplicable manner, the concept really took off.


Apparently, before we white guys knew it, everybody wanted in on the brilliance of our creativity.  We, perhaps, should have sued the Arab world and African chieftains for the theft of our intellectual property.  We tried, but there were no courts at that time…or laws protecting our idea. We kept our hands in, but we were being outdone by these other masters of slavery.


We even tried taking other white guys as slaves; the Slavs (we, before this, didn’t have a word for slavery) but we quickly ran out of Slavs and had to become distributors for all the other harvesters.  They were really good at this; we were mere amateurs. I must not forget, I am told over and over and over again, that it was white guys, who invented it. When 300,000 white guys died to end slavery during The Civil War, other white guys tried to suggest that was meaningful.  That included the head white man, Abraham Lincoln.  What a sham that was… You didn’t fool anybody…” Honest Abe” indeed.


It seems quite obvious, if I believe the narrative, that it was white guys who also invented gender biology.  Now, this must have happened a long time ago, certainly before I was born…or while I was actually being born. When was the Garden of Eden? At that white male get together (there would have been a burning cross there, but this was before Christianity) it was decided that women would have the babies.  How smart was that for us white guys? We males plow the “field,” then the “field” has to hang around until the crop comes in. We males, in the meantime, could go off and drink, carouse, and be vulgar.  You might not admire us, but we had our stuff together.


We also decided at that biologic get together, that men would be stronger and would fight the wars.  Gads, has there ever been a more meaningful thing to do than have your body rendered into tiny parts by an enemy attacking your village? I can’t wait. No, we white guys didn’t want women stealing any of our glory.  Our testosterone driven intensity said that the women’s job was to look pretty, cook our food, have the children… and scold us if we tracked mud into the hut.  We invented all of that; except the scolding thing which sort of got out of hand. (If my wife is reading this…relax honey…this is all in jest. You’re the boss.)


I long for the moment when I can hear the words the “The first white man to….”  It doesn’t matter what follows the “to.”  I want somebody like me to be the first “something.”  I watched women getting euphoric over the possibility of a first women president. I had never felt euphoric about a white-guy doing anything…at least because he was a white-guy.  I felt the loss of that emotion. But to many women, it apparently didn’t matter if she was an incompetent, corrupt, pathological liar, wearing funny clothes…maybe, that’s why they got euphoric…she made them feel better about themselves.  But it seems, a woman is a woman is a woman.  Any “woman” in a storm and all that. That’s exactly what a lot of male college freshman think.


I try to feel better about myself by remembering that Socrates, Plato, Newton and Einstein were white guys and it was white guys who wrote the Constitution and put a man on the moon (except for those three Black women who, apparently, were the only reason we got there)…but,  It doesn’t help.  With our long trail of white guy horrors and our overwhelming determination to damage everyone else who is not a white guy, I am left with only one defining emotion; I am guilty. Guilty as charged…if it’s bad, I did it; if someone suffers, I caused it; if someone’s life isn’t perfect, it was someone like me who got in their way.  I just can’t understand why everyone in the world has wanted to flock to a country dominated by so many evil white guys.


But still, I must acknowledge… I’m a white guy…the “bad seed” of humanity. So…”mea culpa” to everyone, please forgive me.  From this point forward I’m going to self-identify as a Black woman.  There, I feel better already.   Now…do you love me?


“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of light, it was the season of darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair.”

― Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities

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